Frontline Dispatches From the War on Decency

Friday, September 19, 2014

Doug Ford: "I vow to be twice the drunken shit-bomb my brother ever was!"


 
TORONTO, ON- In a prepared statement to reporters, mayoral candidate Doug Ford vowed to stay true to the legacy of his brother’s time in office, promising to bring “The same cartoonish, coke-and-booze fuelled public spectacles you’ve come to know and love from my brother Rob” to the office of mayor.

“If you thought my brother was an irascible, teetering clown, just wait. I promise to be twice the drunken shit-show Rob ever was!”

Doug Ford unveiled the following campaign platform:

An arrest for public intoxication, indecent exposure, assault, and resisting arrest at his own inauguration;

Swirling controversy when the Toronto Star releases video of Mayor Ford attempting to solicit fellatio from a 15 year-old Sudanese prostitute in exchange for a vial of crack cocaine;

 Widespread calls for resignation when Mayor Ford is witnessed huffing inhalents from a paper bag at a Blue Jays game and repeatedly demands that nearby African American fans ‘go pick me some cotton! Ooga-booga!’

Stopping the gravy train.

Admission to a rehabilitation program for glue and ketamine addition following the release of security footage in which the mayor is clearly seen breaking into the Toronto Zoo and sexually assaulting an endangered red panda;

Repeated, red-faced insistence on his own sobriety and competency; attribution of all criticism and/or video evidence to the contrary to a sinister cabal of police, media, and gravy-trainers.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Rob Ford Denies that he is Homophobic, Obese, or Named 'Rob Ford.'



Rob Ford Denies that He is Homophobic, Obese, or Named 'Rob Ford.'

TORONTO, ON- In a Youtube video released on Friday, Mayor Rob Ford denied allegations of homophobia, alcoholism, obesity, that he is Mayor of Toronto and that his name is Rob Ford.

"I take offense to what is being said about me. I am not homophobic. I am not fat. I am not a bumbling, red-faced disgrace to the office of the mayor. In fact, I'm not mayor. I'm not Rob Ford."

Ford's brother Doug echoed the mayor's denials, calling the media "a pack of bullies," and standing up for his alleged brother as he has done on multiple occasions in the past.

"The people out there are smarter than the media. The media will try to twist it, angle it every which way they can to make sure they put their little spin on the story. But guess what media, the people are too smart," said Doug Ford.

These statements are the latest in a long string of denials from the Ford brothers over the mayor's drug abuse, alcohol consumption, close association with criminals, his recent campaign to have the Pride flag removed from City Hall, and now his occupation and the basic facts of his physical existence.

"I don't know how this rumour even got started," said Rob Ford when faced with photographic evidence of his inauguration and irrefutable proof of his legal identity.

The mayor was then seen entering a restroom, from which he emerged nearly an hour later babbling incoherently about Jamaican terrorists, making lewd gestures at female staffers, and pretending to wipe his ass with a replica of the AIDS quilt, events which both Ford brothers vehemently denied.