Frontline Dispatches From the War on Decency

Monday, February 16, 2015

A Letter to My Children About Backdoor Pizza Boy 4: The Un-Butt-oning

My Precious Children,

Tonight, I succumbed to peer pressure and watched an adult film for the first time in my life. I ignored the little voice in my head that implored me to just say “no!” because, after all, it’s just a silly movie, right? Well, I wish I had done as I always tell you to do and given that voice credit because it was right. The thing is, I’m also kind of glad I didn’t because now I have 
these words for you.

One day, in the not very distant future I’m going to blink and gasp as I realise you’re suddenly old

enough to see movies like Backdoor Pizza Boy 4: The Un-Butt-oning yourselves. Of course, you or 
your friends may even decide that curiosity wins and risk sneaking a peek even earlier than that. Either
 way, I have to accept the hard fact that your innocent eyes and your uncorrupted minds are going to
see this drivel sooner or later.

I am writing this so that when that day comes, you’ll recognise Backdoor Pizza Boy for what it is,
rather than what it pretends to be.

Let me begin by telling you what Backdoor Pizza Boy is not.

It is not a love story.

It is also not a romantic fairy tale with a harmless bit of naughtiness sprinkled on top.

It is not an accurate representation of what happens when you order a pizza “with extra sausage.”

Please understand that this screenplay’s message is the polar opposite of harmless. In this ‘harmless’
 piece of fluff movie, a horny housewife fulfills all of her naughtiest fantasies with a hot young pizza
delivery boy.

Understand, that pizza boy was just there to deliver a pizza. He had no idea what wild passions were
caged in the heart, and loins of this toned, trim seductress. How could he have conceived the erotic
adventure that was in store for him as this sex-crazed slut proceeded to suck and fuck him into the

They are not equals. They are not partners. There is, in fact, no ‘they’ to speak of at all.

I sat in the living room, watching my girlfriends buy into this so-called ‘sexy love story’ and I felt sick.
If women three times your age couldn’t see how damaging this plot line is, how on earth are teenage
girls and boys supposed to?

Please, my daughters, don’t allow this romanticizing of pizza-boy sexual-adventurism trick you into
believing that you should ever allow yourself to be treated like Mrs. Eveline Dubois or Chad
Hardwick. Nobody, male or female, wants or deserves to be disrespected, manipulated or violated
during a routine pizza delivery.

I hope, when the day comes that you’re grown up enough to order a pizza for yourself, you’ll
understand that the delivery boy is not a vessel upon whom to enact your suppressed backdoor desires.
 I hope you’ll remember that pizza delivery boys are a necessary, underappreciated group in our society,
 and do not deserve to be sexualized or used as playthings in the erotic power-plays of rich, bored

Tonight, I feel terrified and a little sad for your generation. If this is the movie that you base your ideals
 of love and romance on, then I need to make some things very clear and I hope you’re listening.

If someone wants to be with you, simply ordering a pizza and waiting for you to turn up with her blouse
open to the waist, revealing her swelling bosom is not romantic. It’s creepy.

If they offer you sex in lieu of payment, that’s not love. It’s going to get you fired from your job.

If you express concern that their husband might come home and she responds by hungrily performing
fellatio on you, that is not an acceptable answer. At best, she is merely changing the subject.

My children, this film was deeply disturbing to me, and I have life experience on my side. I shudder to
think that you are going to grow up with stories like this to model relationships on and that you or the
people you date will mistake this for ‘normal.’

Please, my precious children, know this: Love is gentle. Love never takes. Love does not demand. And
above all, you cannot find it with the pizza boy, no matter how thick and meaty his cock may be.

With abundant love,