“If you thought my brother was an irascible, teetering
clown, just wait. I promise to be twice the drunken shit-show Rob ever was!”
Doug Ford unveiled the following campaign platform:
An arrest for public intoxication, indecent exposure, assault,
and resisting arrest at his own inauguration;
Swirling controversy when the Toronto Star releases video of
Mayor Ford attempting to solicit fellatio from a 15 year-old Sudanese
prostitute in exchange for a vial of crack cocaine;
Widespread calls for
resignation when Mayor Ford is witnessed huffing inhalents from a paper bag at
a Blue Jays game and repeatedly demands that nearby African American fans ‘go
pick me some cotton! Ooga-booga!’
Stopping the gravy train.
Admission to a rehabilitation program for glue and ketamine
addition following the release of security footage in which the mayor is
clearly seen breaking into the Toronto Zoo and sexually assaulting an
endangered red panda;
Repeated, red-faced insistence on his own sobriety and
competency; attribution of all criticism and/or video evidence to the contrary to
a sinister cabal of police, media, and gravy-trainers.
