Statistically speaking, if you are reading this, I hate you.
How do I know that I probably hate you? Because I know that you are on the internet, and so you must be minimally tech-savvy, and that makes you contemptible in my eyes. Non-contemptible people lived in the 1940's. They distrusted all technology more complicated than the rotgut still and the repeating rifle, and instead of diddling themselves with iPods and Facebooks they murdered Nazis for sport. Those were men. Those men were such men that the next generation had to invent steroids and cocaine just to feel minimally adequate. If you have never picked up a weapon and sworn to kill foreigners on the whims of your government, I wish you a long life of laptop-induced impotence and humiliating lactation.
If you are fat, I hate you. Seriously, fuck you for being fat. You are the reason the terrorists hate us. Do you know how many calories it takes to produce just one pound of excess fat? You've devoted a serious portion of your life to making a wreck of your own body. Gross. But here's the rub; if you are on a diet, I also hate you. Because you are nothing more than a fat person who cheats. You know damn well that you're supposed to be fat; you like stuffing your face with butter and salad dressing. You like it so much it gets you wet just thinking about it. But instead of indulging, you eat salad and rice cakes. You go through life deliberately making yourself miserable, and the reward is that someday you get to die just like everyone else. What an idiot you are.
If you are a vegetarian, I hate you. I think you should be illegal. I want to feed you your own damaged hair. If you had been born in any other place or time, you would be beaten from your village and then eaten by a tiger. But if you're a meat-eating person who doesn't eat veal, I hate you so much fucking more. Because you don't really give a shit about animals; you're just a sucker for big goo-goo infant-eyes. You associate cuteness with humanity. You're not ethical; you're a human with a malfunctioning brain. You know what causes that? Protein deficiency. All the most delicious animals and even deliciouser when they're babies. If you're not genuinely curious about what baby seal tastes like, I want to club you to death in Newfoundland.
If you're religious, I hate you. You need to tell yourself lies in order to face life. You are a failed person. Your mind is an engine that never turned over. I don't think you should have the right to vote or own land. But if you're a non-religious person who doesn't think I should talk about religious people like they're idiots, then fuck you because I hate you too. You value niceness more than honesty. You are the reason idiocy is an inherited sickness. You are the reason farm animals rule the world. You killed Socrates and Baby Jesus.
If you've ever called a comedy routine 'offensive,' or 'in bad taste,' I hate you. I want to fill your mouth with spiders. You destroy creativity and originality. You diminish the world by your presence. You are the farm animals who took over when everyone wasn't looking. I want to let homosexuals molest you while a black man steals your TV, just to watch you sputter uselessly as you try to explain to 911 what the fuck is happening to you. Then I'll crash a busload of AIDS victims into your September 11th and Jew your Retard.
Finally, if you don't hate Lady Gaga, I truly, truly hate you.
