Doug Ford: "I vow to be twice the drunken shit-bomb my brother ever was!"

 

TORONTO, ON- In a prepared statement to reporters, mayoral candidate Doug Ford vowed to stay true to the legacy of his brother’s time in office, promising to bring “The same cartoonish, coke-and-booze fuelled public spectacles you’ve come to know and love from my brother Rob” to the office of mayor.

“If you thought my brother was an irascible, teetering clown, just wait. I promise to be twice the drunken shit-show Rob ever was!”

Doug Ford unveiled the following campaign platform:

An arrest for public intoxication, indecent exposure, assault, and resisting arrest at his own inauguration;

Swirling controversy when the Toronto Star releases video of Mayor Ford attempting to solicit fellatio from a 15 year-old Sudanese prostitute in exchange for a vial of crack cocaine;

 Widespread calls for resignation when Mayor Ford is witnessed huffing inhalents from a paper bag at a Blue Jays game and repeatedly demands that nearby African American fans ‘go pick me some cotton! Ooga-booga!’

Stopping the gravy train.

Admission to a rehabilitation program for glue and ketamine addition following the release of security footage in which the mayor is clearly seen breaking into the Toronto Zoo and sexually assaulting an endangered red panda;

Repeated, red-faced insistence on his own sobriety and competency; attribution of all criticism and/or video evidence to the contrary to a sinister cabal of police, media, and gravy-trainers.